Last Night,I Died

Last night, I died. I died from the heartaches i cannot longer bear. I died from the depressing moments and solitudes in life. I died from being the  biggest loser i became. I died.

I am the happiest man you'll ever meet. The clown. The Joker. But soon enough like jack in the box, I was trapped in the box of loneliness and darkness; gasping some air to breathe and barely alive to enjoy momentum I was suppressed from being the happy person that I was....bounded..chained..became captive of life's misery and a little self-inflicted pain. Masochist? i don't know.. I died not seeing the light.

I died last night, seeing only an artificial light from a spotlight. I was always in front of it. I was an actor playing the optimistic character in the script. But deep within, I know who I was...deep within the thick make-up and amidst the expectant crowd. I died of faking myself.

I died from grief.
I died from melancholy.
I died from the pain of life.

I was stabbed million times. The stabbing hurted like hell.
I got hung.
I got hit by a car.
I fell from a tall building and was squashed to death.

Life was the biggest predator I have ever known.....and  I was the prey. The "IT".

But not anymore, because last night my heart stopped from beating and my senses became numb.
I died....yeah ...last night.




and for the first time, I became happy.

Mobi iskrip

Ang buhay nga ay parang pelikula ika nila. may malungkot, may masaya, may nakakatakot at may nakakatawa. minsan, halo-halo din ang istorya. minsan iisa lamg ang itinastakbo ng iskrip,minsan, nauulit lang. May mga bumebenta at nagtatagumpay, ang iba nama'y nababangketa na lang.

Depende sa direktor ng buhay kung paano magtatapos ang kuwento o istorya pero minsan sa sobrang katigasan ng ulo ng mga karakter sa pelikula; sila na mismo ang pilit na dumidire nito at isinasantabi nalang ang tungkulin ng direktor na punong gumagawa ng kuwento.

Kadalasan, ganun ang nangyayari. Mapapelikula man iyon o mapasa -totoong buhay. kadalasan, tayo ang nagpapatakbo ng ating buhay at nakakalimutan natin kung sino talaga ang totoong direktor nito. Pilit nating ginagawa ang mga bagay-bagay na di naman talaga kailangan sa pelikula. Hindi praktikal at mga bagay na di nakakatulong sa pag-usad ng istorya. Resulta? destruksiyon. Kung di nauulit ang eksena sa buhay natin; minsan nalulumpo tayo at natitigil sa mga eksenang dapat sanay matagal ng tapos. Unti-unting nagagasgas, naluluma at sa huli'y nasisira.

Tayo'y mga karakter lang ng isang malaking pelikula. Mga tauhan lang sa isang malaking mobi iskrip. Pinagtagpi-tagpi. Pinagtagpo-tagpo, tulong-tulong na gumaganap sa isang malaking pelikula na tawag ay buhay. Let's be the best players of life. Lights, camera, action!

Ang Tambay sa Tabi ng Poste sa Isang Gabing Madilim

Ayan ka na naman. Pasulyap-sulyap mula sa aandap-andap na ilaw. Alam kong pilit mong inaaninag ang aking alindog sa gabing nababalot ng karimlan.

Alam kong ako ang mga tipo mo- iyong palaban, iyong mapang-akit..bata..sariwa.. Ang nagbibigay buhay sa karnal mong pagnanasa. ang nagdudulot ng init sa iyong katawang pagal na.Ang gumigising sa tulog mong mga kalamnan..

Oo,ako ang sagot sa iyong malungkot na pagdurusa. Pagdurusa at unsyaming naudlot sa muntikan mo na sanag pakikipagniig. Ang sagot sa problema lalo na ng mga baguhan..ng mga birheng sumusubok ng kanilang pagkapusok.Oo, ako ang ebang kaabang-abang. ang pantasya ng lahat lalo na ng mga tigang.

Ako ang tambay sa tabi ng poste sa gabing madilim.Ako ang inaabangan ng lahat pagsapit ng malamig na karimlan. ako ang daan sa mapanuksong eksplorasyon.. ang bangis sa bawat desperasyon..ang musika sa bawat ungol,pag-usad ng dalawang nag-aapoy na nilalang at paghahabol sa minimithing kaluwalhatian. Ang babaeng hanap ng mga Adan....Ang matamis na pulot na gusto nilang malasap..Ang bulaklak na biktima ng pagsasamba at pagsasamyo..Ang kapirasong langit ng kanilang mga pangarap..

Halika, tayo'y maglaro habang malamim ang gabi at ang hangi'y malamig..

Halika,maglaro tayo sa dilim.

Epekto ng Pagiging Buraot

original composition..soundtrip lang




You left my life unexplored with all the wonders you've never seen
All the while I've dreamt of a life we could have been
Faded photographs is all i can see
Traces of times that remained as memories

Chorus:
And I'm here all alone
Missing all of the past and the joy that we've been
And I'm here all alone, reminiscin'

This empty room seems barren
Without with me
I am drowning in sadness
Girl, can't you see

(Repeat Chorus}

Bridge:
What would have been
What could have be
If you just been here with me
A love for you
A smile for me
But girl you bade goodbye to me....

(Repeat Chorus then transpose)


...Reminiscin

THE LOST LAMB

I was sitting in the stairs infront of an old church in Baclaran where i was waiting for a friend.The place was so serene , so silent , so holy but amidst of the peace I was feeling I suddenly got pissed when I heard the loud cry of a bitchy kid not so distant from where i was sitting.

The cry was so loud that it still penetrated my ears 'though I was listening to my MP3 in full volume. I was cursing deep inside forgetting that i was in a holy place.
Suddenly, I remembered my catholic doctrines and the beatitudes I've learned from a recent convert. i felt embarrass for what I did. I felt shame and pity for myself for that instant; shame for I've been transformed into a superficial Christian and pity because I can't be the person I was before- the good kid,the kind-hearted person which is now slowly dying. somehow, the toxicity of being in the "world" is so welcoming. And me, ecstatic and curious of what is forbidden embraced it arms wide-open.

I plunged myself into the temptation, splurged into the desires of my weak body,divulged to my impulses and cravings. slowly, I am drifting away not knowing where will I go..where will this insanity will take me.Despite of this craziness,this experimentation and following my ID,( THE ID,THE EGO AND THE SUPER EGO- ITS ALL ABOUT PSYCHIATRIC NURSING JUST GOOGLE IT OR MUCH BETTER WIKIPEDIA) I felt that I am real to myself;that somehow I am not pretending and faking it. Going to church now is quite uneasy for me. Whenever, i enter the congregation its like everyone's eyes are all on me...penetrating..judging..I felt that I was bounded by rules and norms and of people's approval so i moved out and removed the "holy" mask I was wearing.

now, there are times that i want to go back. there are times that i miss my church friends. there are times also that I find myself singing some songs from the praise and worship team where i used to lead. A lot of times, i feel sorry for myself that i can't be the real Christian that I needed to be( and what God wanted me to be) I can't be the "christian" like my other christian friends are. and so I am now in the "world" where i was been warned about. I am now living in the my world of comfort zones,cowardice and unreadiness. I wanted to go back but still I wanted to stay where I am now. And so like a paperboat in an ocean.. I am slowly sinking.. I am like a lamb..clueless of what is about to happen..unsteady..uncertain..ignorant of the upcoming devour of the cunning predator.

I am the lamb.the stupid, the lost and the coward.Where is my shepherd?

Salamat

I'm trying to revive this blog after episodes of hiatus.. Some important people and fellow bloggers urged me to continue writing online. Naks..


naaalala ko tuloy ang pagiging isang nars ko sa Pangasinan. Laging Blue code and siste kasi laging may isinusugod sa emergency room. Minsan, dedo na talaga ang pasyente kung sswertehin naman ay maililigtas namin sa aming super duper CPR. Parang ganito din ang Buco Salad, namamatay , naghihingalo, agaw-buhay pero dahil narin sa mga taong naniniwala sa laman nito,na ito pari'y sumasapol sa puso ng ibang blogista at bisita; pinipilit kong gamitin ang aking SUPER DUPER CPR upang mabuhay ito.. kahi pagod na din ako sa pag CCPR, pinipilit kong bigyan ng panibagong buhay ang kutang ito.


Naisip ko na, marami na kaming pinagsamahan ng Buco Salad,heartaches,dormant times of not blogging at iba iba pa.dumating ang time na pinalitan ko din ito ng pangalan bilang Rico Salad dahil ang Buco Salad wasnt functioning to its full potential. Buco Salad was intended to share not only my story but of many people(naks), ng lipunan at kung anu-ano pa kaso it just became an outlet to my personal struggles; of Rico(ME)thus I changed it to Rico Salad.


mag-iisang taon na ko sa blogging this April. Harinawa. Matagal narin pala akong pinagtitiyagaan ng mga tao rito sa blogesperyo hehehe at di ko yun nakikita until now. kaya maraming salamat po. Sa lahat ng mga nakilala ko dito sa blogspot at pati narin sa wordpress.

I'll try my very best to revive this blog and matamo nito ang full potential nito. Kahit pagod na ko mag- CPR.kahit na butil-butil na ang pawis ko sa pagod..its all worth it..dahil sa inyo... Salamas este salamat